So, like some kind of strange healthy person, I've now got an exercise routine to follow, on top of the running.
What has happened to my life...
Here, for your delectation, are the strange things I've got to do:
Bridge with Leg Lift
I have to lie on the floor facing up with knees bent, and push my body into a bridge position. To me a “bridge position” means spanning a river/railway line/road, but as I'm only short and doubt my ability to support much traffic traversing me, in this case it means supporting your weight on your feet and arms.
I believe it used to be call “the crab” at school, until its unfortunate name became synonymous with pubic lice.
There are worse reasons to change a name I guess – inadvertently calling a child “Adolf” for instance.
From here I have to straighten one leg, with pointing toes and lower it out to the side a bit without moving the rest of my body, using my abs to stabilize my body and without holding my breath.
Now I don't know about you, but when I'm attempting something physically impossible (self-propelled flight, ovulating etc) I still breathe. It's kinda second nature to me, but apparently some people need reminding of this, which is reassuring as it means there'll always be people more stupid than me, so I should always be ok getting a job.
I then have to do a load of these (reps?) on one leg, then the other.
Sideways sit up
This starts by lying on my side and pushing up so that my right arm is supporting my body. Then I have to straighten my left arm and balance for a bit, then lower the left arm down and twist the body, turning it towards the floor while keeping the rest of the body in place.
Then I have to squeeze my abs (I'm assuming not with my hand) and hold for a couple of seconds, then go back to starting position and repeat.
I imagine this will be the one that makes me look most like a tit.
Bicycle
This involves me lying face up with lower back pressed to the floor, or as it is probably better known - lying down.
With my hands my on head, elbows out, I then bend my right knee and pull it towards my chest while touching the knee with the left elbow.
Then I do a slow pedalling motion and touching opposite elbow to opposite knee, keeping my abs pulled in and again remembering to breathe.
I take back my earlier comment, this will probably be the most ridiculous looking one.
Deadlifts
For this I need to hold a dumbbell in front of my thighs, with my feet hip-width apart (hip muscle or hip bone?) and abs pulled in. Leaning from the hips and keeping the weight close my my legs, I lower the weight to mid-shin whilst keeping the legs straight (but not locked).
Then I lift back to starting position and make sure the abs are pulled tight throughout the movement.
As this involves weights, and the prefix “dead” this is probably the most manly of them.
Back Extensions
I hate this one.
With the passion usually only reserved for “celebrities”.
This time I lie face down with my hands behind my back. I then lift my upper body off the ground a few inches, keeping my head and neck in line. Not sure how I couldn't have them in line, as the two are directly connected and there will always be a line between any two points, but what do I know?
If I fancy making it even more uncomfortable, then I lift my feet off the ground, keeping both legs straight, hold for a bit then lower them.
The whole thing
I have to do this workout 3-4 times a week on non-consecutive days
- Each exercise has to be done for 1-3 sets of 10-12 repetitions
- I have to keep my body stabilized throughout the movement
- I can't swing or use momentum
- Each repetition should take 4-6 seconds
- Make sure abs are pulled in tight throughout each movement
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